Maybe they are really working hard?

Just finished teaching Gloria this morning and she is going back to TW next week too. It's funny how all my students are disappearing in Aug, but then I guess it makes sense too since they are only free during this time when summer school is over. She is also going to pull out all her wisdom teeth, which I can totally relate to since doing that here in LA would be so much more expensive....

My students had been behaving really well for the entire week. I wonder if it's because they have nothing to do than to practice or that I am just having better mood cuz I don't have to teach that much. Tiffany recorded her contemporary piece two days ago, and even though it's not up to my standard yet it's already better than some Cal state Long level. I only wish her GPA at school is better so that wouldn't affect her college application stuff in less than 2 years.

I guess some kids can really show some improvements after their teacher nag at them relentlessly. I have also noticed the kids like to leave me messages on facebook. I get cracked up about how we keep in touch with schedules this way. They even leave me dumb messages when they travel aboard. I can't blame them for doing that though....I mean...who wouldn't want to keep in touch with a "ku" teacher like me who knows all the gadgets they play and everything they do nowadays? :p

Dental visit yet again...

I had a dental appointment again this morning, and it totally proved something----stress can kill you... I guess no matter how much I don't want to think about it (or how much I tell myself there is gonna be no pain..everything is gonna be smooth.....etc), my personality is that I get stressed over stuff I hate no matter how small a thing it may seem to other people.

I was not able to sleep right last night even though I know the only thing I had to do this morning is to put the real crown on my tooth. I was turning left and right on the bed through the whole night, and Hades biting his foot last night didn't really help much. I don't know what is causing Hades to bite his foot again, but maybe he could sense my stress somehow. I felt terribly tired this morning when I "tried" to wake up. It felt like I was having a hang over....

Anyway.....the dental visit this morning was really nothing compared to previous times. I was only there for one hour and the only painful part happened when they were scratching the cement off my gum. (I would say the dental assistant wasn't all that smooth doing it.) My next apt next Thurs will be a killer though. I am supposed to have one of my wisdom teeth pulled out in the morning and then teach in the afternoon....oh well....dental visits suck.

We had dinner with Theo, Dorcas, Jacob and Chih-Lin last night. I don't remember when was the last time we were able to get together like this. I was quite surprised to find out Theo went back to TW three years ago, when it was the last time I went back to TW too. Time surely passes fast. I still remember how we went to visit Ho-Ching in Hua-Lien together....and now she is dead!!!! Man....the good old times...

Dorcas also went back to HK for two years already. It really does not feel like it since we still keep in touch and look at each other's photos whenever links are sent. It was also funny that Chih-Lin didn't even know Dorcas does not live in LA any more....I guess everyone lives a diff. life now. Chih-Lin is all crazy about working and making money. Jacob does not know where to go yet. Dorcas is heading back to HK end of Aug. Theo is trying to make his debut album in TW.... and I am just doing what I hate the most...teaching....Isn't life just interesting?

I think I really really miss our younger days when we used to tour and fool around together. I guess at that time we didn't worry about what we need to achieve in life but we sure had passion. Passion without the right planning and opportunities really does not happen in reality I guess. Oh well....who knows what will happen in another 5 or 10 years? perhaps all of them will be very successful next time I see them.

Compromises can be deadly ?!!!!

I was reading "Judges" for my daily devotion today.....and in the reading the Israelites were not too careful with their boundaries with the Canaanites. God told them to "completely" force out those Canaanites but the Israelites thought they were harmless so the Canaanites were kept around where the Israelites lived. Since the Canaanites were not completely forced out at the beginning, later they began to affect Israelites' descendants and corrupted their lives in every way. At the end, the later generation from Joshua's time did not even listen to God cuz they didn't really know God, thanks to all the messed up religions they learned from the Canaanites.

The reading really made me wonder how tough it must be to survive on this planet earth nowadays. Everybody is always thinking or talking about how to "compromise" on certain things cuz we want to please people. We sure know how wrong some things are, but then we compromise hoping someday things would just turn right....(by the miracle of God even). I have been always struggling with that kinda attitude I see from people. I especially hate it when people put "by the grace of God....we will be alright, and everything will be possible" on their mouth all the time, cuz I just don't see how people's failures by their own decisions can magnify God's grace. (I guess that is why I like Paul's character?)

Setting boundaries in life is all difficult nowadays. People keep on talking about EQ and how we should give in to this and that as if pleasing the crowd is the most important thing in life ever. Don't get me wrong here.....I am not saying being a charming person is wrong....that is actually a good charisma if it's true from whoever showing the charm....but faking it....to obtain popularity....is...just....LAME. (Yeah....I have my way of manipulating people....and I fake all the time....that is why I hate the technique myself....very contradictory I know) Of course going out there saying "I just can't deal with people....that is my musician's trait....I only know my art...." without knowing everyone around feel used is also super lame....(yeah....most people reading my blog would know who I am talking about so I don't need to write it out. :p )

So you see how it is annoying that everything needs to be altered and compromised somehow? and then at the end.....we are not even sure which compromises would eventually kill us. I am sure the Israelites felt they were being merciful by not harming their enemies, but then God didn't think so. Of course we can always say they didn't really know what was from God and what was not...they didn't know better....they didn't hear God clearly so they make wrong decisions....but heck....God was basically there talking to them most of the time....(if not each individual person, at least their leaders....but then what if their leaders sucked and could not execute whatever God wanted them to do? yeah....bumped....)

Ok....I know....I am weird...I think too much.....but then isn't that how we feel alive? I think therefor I am? or I am therefor I think? or.....let's not think at all.....just follow the flow....so at the end we compromise into everything just because life is the way it is? Chih-Lin was telling me last night if we don't look too much into anything in life then we will just live through everyday fine....(right....like overlooking dangers in marriage would eventually destroy the marriage? tell me how it works, plz?) and can someone tell me what is the meaning of life and living anyway?

Just throwing bunch of questions cuz I haven't write a weird blog for a long time....maybe this can entertain Joelle when she reads my blog after she arrives in Asia....I am gonna miss you pal....

Transformers.....

Had another fight few nights ago. All I can say is life gets more complicated when people want to get involved in others' lives without being invited to do so. It's hard to concentrate on what we really want in lives nowadays since everything gets in the way. Life just sucks at times...what can I say? It's just life...

Pastor Jim was away so pastor Dawn was speaking this morning. It's interesting how I normally don't get interested when she talks, but usually get touched every time she gives a sermon. She was talking about how we need to have 1. passion 2. authenticity in life, and need to be "planted" in life as well.

I have been having hard time being passionate in anything other than my cat, and I find it rare to meet authentic people or even be one myself. This world needs so much faking so that everyone can pretend to make others happy. To be planted is especially difficult for me since I don't feel any places really my home. (That is technically right since this world is not our home.) I know seeking after those three things will really be a tough lesson for me... Nevertheless I was still touched by her sermon for whatever reason...weird I know... I guess it's always encouraging to see passionate people being planted at one place for their lives. It just means they are willing to devote themselves to certain things even if the progress may not be all that significant to other's eyes....yeah....persistent people get me somehow....

We went to watch "Transformers" tonight. It was quite amazing to see how the used to be cartoon turned into this movie with all the fascinating computer effects. The robots looked so great it made me want to drive a car like those transformers too. I guess we are lucky to have a car which talks, but it sure would be awesome to have a car which can turn into handsome looking robot too. I know....human beings are greedy....nothing is ever enough....

I have to admit I didn't expect to get too much out of the movie. I went just because Billy wanted to see it. I actually got a kick out of the movie....and that really reminded me how I was always more into the guy stuff and high tech gadgets than stupid boring girly toys and Barbie. I guess given Lego and computer to play with when I was a kid probably helped me to appreciate gadgets more than normal girls. Unfortunately it costs more money to satisfy my appetite on new toys too. Oh well....

I have finally updated all the wedding photos. I guess the next thing to think about would be at least write some stuff about the day instead of being annoyed of the days ever after. We will see about that.....

Skinny Bitch?

I was watching TV today and ran into that stupid Akai Rice commercial again. I was so entertained by that freaking ugly host Jackson cuz he was telling people how to turn themselves from "o-ba-san" into "skinny bitch.....Right....nowadays they are so desperate to sell their product they think being a bitch is probably a good thing....dang....I wonder who wrote that commercial script....so CREATIVE.....man....

I wonder why people just find all kinds of excuses for their own decisions/actions...

I was reading Billy's blog today and it kinda got me into some deep thinking without me really wanting to do it (after all my dreams and nightmares my brain just kinda feels exhausted). He was talking about how Issac and Rebbecca got married, and used that as reference to our marriage...(which I am not sure if I fully appreciate....) Why am I having problems with this? well...here is the explanation....

1st of all....I don't like the name Rebbecca....ok...I know that is a lame reason, and I can't help it. Let me give you a better reason now....I also don't like Issac's personality. I guess I don't like his personality because he doesn't really have a personality. You can call that obedience if you want, but I call it not able to take his own responsibilities in life. He was also lame in a way that he was not able to protect his own wife and had to lie about who she was cuz he was afraid of his own safety. Guys who cannot decide what they want or protect their families really get on my nerves I tell you.

It almost feels like Issac has his whole life planned by other people. 1st he was not able to even pick his own wife, and then later his wife was able to trick him into blessing their 2nd son. I know God is supposed to have plans for us, but does it sound right to always make "God" be the excuse for decisions we make and actions we take? What the heck is the point of God giving us free will really? (I know this free will and God's will thing would always be a paradox....but it just annoys me greatly when people just dump everything on God...)

Compared to Issac I think I can even say I like Jacob's personality more. He was trying to be sneaky, trying to grab on to things (including God's blessings), but at least you know what he did and he is more human like thus makes it easier for us to learn from. He went through tough times and yet still grabbed on to God, and I personally think that is something to admire. Issac...oh well...I don't think I have to go on saying anything about him.

So my dislike of Issac leads into more issues here. Billy's right that nobody wants to be any body's rebound....especially when the supposed "rebound" person dislikes the previous bf/gf a lot. I still remember when Billy 1st told me about how he was introduced to his previous gf....I was thinking....hum....if you do indeed go out with her later then that would show me what your taste is. (and I was not interested in him thus I was very amused by the idea and progress + very eager to see how everything would go for them.)

Very soon after Billy told me about his ex, almost everyone who knows her was talking about their relationship. The news probably spread out way before Billy was able to notice it. I was of course smart enough to stay as far as possible on this case cuz I think the news traveled globally right away. (I feel no need to get my butt kicked by someone who I disliked to start with...)I was also amused how Billy came to my uncle's wedding not knowing he was known to be the official boyfriend already by the time.

With all the gossips going on (and my network of people made it super easy for me to hear everything without wanting to), my dislike of that particular person, and Billy's close interaction with SOP.....you can just imagine how GREAT I felt when I got his e-mail proposing for us to give it a try with a relationship. Right....I was thinking....given enough information on your previous taste....am I supposed to feel good that you are pursuing me?

Interesting enough....Billy was even wondering if I liked him a lot that is why I said yes. Talking about being a rebound....I guess some people may not be aware when they are being rebounds. I guess what sucks even more is when the person trying to suggest for a relationship was not even sure what he wanted to do. To be honest, I still don't know if he really liked me at all or he just felt it was the right thing to do at the right time...( since he thought that was the only way to save me out of my visa misery and I seemed to be available at that point.)

I think the whole world (or people close enough in my world anyway) probably knows how I hate it when a guy trying to go after me cannot make me feel special and unique enough. I am not sure if my dear hubby knew or know about it even by now. I always feel it would make no difference to him even if he just picked someone form the street and things just "happen" to work out.... and that of course bothers me a great deal being competitive and insecure as I am. I never had to doubt if I was special enough for someone and now I am trapped in this feeling for the longest time.

So you see the issue is....I don't know if I was just spoiled by my previous guys always treating me like a queen....or it's just that I wasn't all that special to Billy anyway cuz the whole thing just came from God....and since everything kinda worked with his confirmations, he is safe feeling this is a good thing. It's just like I don't know if people should work so hard on the so called "commitment" instead of really feel loved and thus triggered to love the other person more. Should it really all be such a hard work? or maybe there is just something wrong with it?

Why should it even be work at all when "love" is supposed to conquer everything? I thought feelings are supposed to be nature? Are we trying to make everything just seem so technical nowadays? This morning I was reading how God wants us to think as well before we decide on things. I don't know how all these can work together if people can't really shout loudly "I did this because I freaking wanted to". Ah....everything so spiritual and fake nowadays....drives me nuts....I cracked up when Cindy wrote "I hope my e-mail does not annoy you. Did you read bible and pray today?". Is it even appropriate to mention that kinda thing hoping that would interfere other's decisions? Are we humans using those kinda "spiritual" excuses to really get what we want and cover up what we cannot take and bear?

I have been wondering about the issue of sex as well recently. Is it something that both people involved should enjoy? or is it just something that is done because it's a duty? a duty to make a kid so everyone would be happy about it? a duty to keep the other half happy? or a duty to make it easier for the other person to sleep like it's in my case? Why do people do things when they don't really "feel" like doing it? Why do people always need to find all sorts of excuses for actions they take? Is it because not taking up responsibilities of our own actions truly is a easier way out of things?

Hey there are things in life I don't like....and I don't mind showing you "I" am the person not liking the situations. If God knows everything that is in our heart, then I don't see a point not taking up responsibilities for our decisions.

Just can't stop dreaming....

Yes....I am dreaming again...more nightmares...it's kinda weird cuz it feels like I am trying to make up for all those years which I had absolutely no dreams at all. I woke up this morning feeling how fast my heart was pumping, and felt absolutely stupid because the reason my heart was racing is because I dreamed about teaching this stupid old lady violin.

This old lady in the dream was being absolutely dumb not getting the easiest stuff. That was really not the worst part cuz I can understand how slow old people can get when they learn new stuff. What annoyed me to death was her attitude....She was not following my instructions, and had this attitude showing she thinks she knows how to do everything.

So the question was....why would you want to take lessons with me if you know how to do everything and think you are already a pro? maybe instead you should just teach other people to do things your way and suck like you do? I know...I know....it's just a dream....but I think it reflects how much I hate people with certain age thinking they can just tell everyone around them that their ways are the best ways when apparently not exactly everything is working their way in their lives.

I think I had two other bad dreams which happened before and after this annoying teaching dream. Hades sleeps a lot these days...I wonder if he is having nightmares too?