Pain?

I am starting to wonder if headache is contagious....It's not some kinda news that I have headaches, but recently Billy started to have this on and off headache as well. Even though the kind he has seems to be diff. from mine (his usually starts with some pimples on his head, and it's usually affecting the outside of his head....), but to have the headache several days in a row is sure kinda annoying.

Last night he went to sleep 1st and I continued reading a new book I started. In the middle of my reading I went out to watch some more TV, and finished my reading session around 1pm. I guess all that reading didn't really help my sleep cuz by the time I went to bed I was thinking about how I used to stay up really late at night doing various stuff. I guess being alone with this quietness at night really stimulates my brain. I was able to think more with what I was reading and sort felt more with my senses.

I guess I have a tendency to like whatever is not healthy for me. There were whole bunch of things I liked doing when I was living by myself. I liked staying up late. I liked not eating at regular times. I liked doing too many things at once so I ended up not having enough rest. I liked skipping school cuz school was boring...Staying up last night kinda reminded me of all those times....and I guess I am having my headache and back pain right at this point because of all the sleep I skipped to enjoy my time alone.

Chatting late at night was fun. Watching TV at midnight was fun. Watching Billy sleep all the way through while I was reading was kinda entertaining. Finally reading something that is not boring was nice. Having my cat next to me while I read was soothing and satisfying...but I guess I still don't like the headache and muscle aches I am having. Oh well....nothing is perfect I guess? You gain some you lose some....

Good news? Bad news?

Jay was trying to give me good news and bad news this morning. He told me the worship we led last Sun had good feedbacks....and I guess that was the good news? (seriously that didn't matter to me too much since I know how EFC worship is normally...and it's not the point anyway) The bad news he told me was that a couple at EFC who I am friends with are filing for divorce....

I was actually quite shocked when Jay told me that cuz I have always thought the couple seemed happy together. I worked with both of them as singers when I was producing PC's troublesome albums for his mom, and really liked their characters. In fact, the now divorcing couple were the ones who recommended my current lawyer....how fast can things change really?

The official answer for the reason of divorce is that they have both changed themselves too much to please the other person and stay in the marriage....now they have turned into someone who they really aren't....They have known each other since they were kids and really knew each other thoroughly thus pleasing each other wasn't all that difficult for them. I guess compare to other couples who have no idea how to read each other's minds they were lucky that way....but unfortunately at the end it becomes the reason that caused their divorce.

I guess nobody can really tell how a marriage is going when we only look at the outer appearance. I used to think it's rare to find a couple like them cuz they are so fun to be around with and knows each other so well. I guess happily ever after is indeed hard to achieve and sometimes may not even be meant to be. I guess the bad news Jay told me was way more significant than the good news....

what stage of life?

Last night a friend told me that she has been going through counseling sessions and discovering things that she wasn't aware of in her life. I guess it's never an easy process for one to really dig out things in life and digest them, but it's always better than not being aware of things. I wonder how many people actually spend the time to analyze and think through steps they take in their lives....cuz everything in life sure is a consequence of previously made decisions.

I was also reading Ivan's blog yesterday. It seems like this kid has been having a lot of frustrations in life. I guess school is really not his thing and I have no idea what he really wants to do in life. It's not always easy for people who are not exactly suitable in the school system to survive their adolescent years. I guess it's ironic when you think of it. The best students at schools don't always end up great at the end anyway....and yet the school years do mode us into certain personalities. I guess all environments we go through do have some effects on our lives.

I guess sometimes we just run out of energy with things we do everyday. We get tired of thinking, tired of working, tired of surviving...and tired of all the bad things around us....but then unfortunately we are still here alive in this world. Sylvia was telling me that there are so many things in life which we cannot control and I totally agree with it. To agree on that does not mean we are happy with the statement....and yet....such is life....

more shocked ?

Hui-Ling jie got on MSN today to tell me that Mary's dad died. I was like....what? how? it's not like he was sick or anything.... What happened was that Mary's dad got hit by a bus when he was riding on his bicycle... It's not like I know him all that much, but I remember how her parents always wanted to hear me playing the violin whenever church events were talked about. I remember having a thanksgiving dinner with them few years back. I remember how Mary always wanted her parents to become Christians. I think he finally became one but I am not sure. It's surely depressing to hear two deaths in two days. I hope the family will be alright with this sudden death.....

Shocked

http://www.wretch.cc/blog/seeyouband/25991557

This morning I saw a friend's msn name saying "the jazz drum king at TW died" and I was like....who? only to find out it's the "little blue" who used to go on tours with us later. It came as a big shocker for me. I remember seeing him on some Christian news and thinking how wonderful it is that he is now always touring for ministries and seems to make a difference with his life....and now he is dead?

When we 1st toured with little blue, he always tells us what big shots he used to work for. He plays super loud so we couldn't really hear ourselves. We liked joking with him cuz you never know what was gonna be said from his mouth. At that time he still couldn't quit smoking so baba from Singapore would tell us to pray over that and don't look at him any differently. We used to think it was amusing to tour around with such a guy cuz of his interesting hair style. He used to also wear leather pants and we would joked about how handsome he looked...We were sleeping on this church floor one time in Malaysia for few days, and we laughed at him for how loud he snored....ah all those fun times...

I have no idea why this kinda thing happens.....just when something was seemingly working for his life. You wonder why God wants to take lives of certain people cuz they are actually trying to do good on this world. Maybe whatever we are trying is really not that important for God. Maybe little blue is in heaven now cuz God wants to give him a better life. I guess I really would have no way of knowing other than being a little depressed about it...

Difficulties understanding whatever that is in this world....

Weather in LA has been crazy for the past year. It was super hot for the past week, and then started raining yesterday. The thunders were powerful and the huge sound created made Hades anxious I think. It's basically 20 + degrees lower today, and understanding this kinda weather at the end of May becomes just a little difficult.

Bible study last night went more like a drag than the normal drag toward the end of the session. Whatever people do out of good intension can always turn out to be unsatisfying. People argue for the sake of arguing and you wonder what gets done with all those time wasted arguing if what they want is not really to hear what others have to say. Telling people to be a good listener is always easier than shutting our own mouths. I sometimes wonder what is the point of studying the bible when you really have no intension of knowing the bible more. Understanding the situation becomes difficult for me sometimes.

Ivor was chatting with me from TW yesterday. Yeah he is back at TW once again...still trying to do music. I wonder why people try so hard to establish something in music when what they can provide is really not what is needed. Ivor is talented enough in writing music and I am sure his music is worth of some value....so I am still hoping the best for him....but for some other people I know....I just don't understand what they are striving for? Is it just because they have nothing else to do so that is why they are trying to create this imaginary talent of music which others don't see? I don't know....sometimes I have difficulties understanding what I am trying in my life as well.

Janelle and Jenny's mom is going through her cancer treatments. It's been years since I last saw them and visited them in Colorado. I guess things just happen. It seems like their family went through a lot of stuff, and surviving as a female pastor really didn't work all that well for their mom. Sometimes it becomes hard to tell why there were always people problems around her cuz I was never there to witness, but then you wonder if everyone who clings to God so much is doing what God really wanted. It is indeed difficult to be able to tell what God wants us to fulfill with our lives on this planet earth...do we have a predesignated path to walk? or don't we?

Charlene was telling me that Jay was coming back home last night so she was gonna stay up and wait for him. She told me that I am such a lucky person I don't have to go through all those waiting. I guess I am lucky in that sense....but then sometimes I don't understand what she is so worried about. I tend to think if a guy is not able to tell who he should concentrate on and come back to....then let them be.....cuz no matter how much you cling on to them it would not change anything at the end. After all they can be physically together with you when they are home and yet still think about others or go with other when they are on business trips. The clinging nature of female never really changed anything in the affair history right? It gets difficult for me to understand why the female spices are always so afraid of losing the males? Is it because they think the sole value existence of themselves all depend on the opposite sex? I wonder...

So I guess I have difficulties understanding a lot of things in this world, and yet I still get entertained watching everything....if not annoyed by some of them. The annoying parts eventually I will just turn my face away....just so I can enjoy watching others....

Growing up? Is it a must?

A friend from USC called this morning. It's funny that we were talking for almost one hour and yet we were really never all that close when we were back in school. I recently got reconnected with her because of an e-mail she gave me a while back telling me how her brother got cancer and wanted me to pray over this matter. Her brother is only a year older than us (31) and having stomach cancer at this age is devastating.

I went to play for her sister's wedding a few weeks back too, and I guess seeing my friend 1st time in many many years was interesting. She was still very uplifted and energetic, but sure looked older than when we were at school. I guess we are all growing old, and we only notice it when looks are compared after a long while....

A few weeks ago I started asking her about some teacher's association issues since some of my students' parents absolutely want to force their kids to go through the tests. We started chatting a little more than before, and yes....once my ability of "getting more information than I needed" kicked in, I found myself listening to her life issues....

Apparently her relationship with this white dude is supposed to lead into marriage, but then her mom is kinda stopping it without saying so. She had always been a very very hard worker since she was in school. She was very into making money teaching and gigging whenever there was a chance. She is now teaching at this small university that I don't even know down in Irvine after she got her DMA...and still teaching back in Arcadia during weekends. I used to wonder why she would work so hard, but now I realize (after she told me her family stories a little) that she just wanted to be independent and away from her family.

I guess growing up is a pain in the ass. I used to tutor a lot when I was in school too. All I wanted was to sustain whatever living expenses I absolutely needed to afford. That wasn't all that hard when I was living by myself and paying 400 for rent. I was able to even enjoy life a little whenever I had to go out and hang out with friends. Money issues never really crossed my mind much. Making money was easy and spending money was easy...and it was not the only thing I had to worry about cuz I needed to practice and study....on top of my relationships with whoever...

Now we are all grown up, more things worry us. We are just taught to worry about things we don't have. We worry about our career cuz age means you got to have something to prove yourself with. We worry about not having our own house cuz nobody is supposed to keep on renting forever after they are all grown up. Girls worry about not getting married cuz the older you grow the more depreciated you get. After one gets married then you can surely worry about marriage not working out....and also the issues of having kids or not....like life is really all about how people look at us....and at the end.....nobody really cares about your life cuz they are all worried about theirs at the same time...

I told her I would give her all the resources I had with my wedding if saving money is what she needs. I really don't know if she would get married any time soon though...but if it is really such a big thing in people's lives I guess I would like to help a little as long as I don't dislike the people getting married too much. :p Anyway.....I still think it's quite interesting how growing up is such a pain in the ass....and also interesting how friendship sometimes just come at unexpected times....