Fight on?

Ever wonder why sometimes people tell you to fight on? well....I guess it's because we fight with people in life....Yes...My fight with Billy has been going on and so far it was like the longest for us. The actually fight was only less than two days actually, but it just seems to have extensions cuz I can't deal with my depressive mode....

I seriously know there are a lot of craps in life we are not able to change, period. I also know patience is needed on a lot of things....but it's just that I have seen a lot of crap in life that never gets fixed as well....because people fail to face problems and reality so they do not fight against those stuff which are wrong in life.

I know life is all about trying to make things better as much as we can afford to...in Billy's words he is trying to love and be loved....and that is his ultimate goal for life...and again that is just a bit too abstract for a musician like me. Sometimes you wonder why an engineer like him thinks all abstract forms while a musician like me try to make things into reality. I know I have a problem sustaining things when I am working with dreamers, cuz unfortunately I haven't met a dreamer who actually carries out his words into reality without making everyone around him suffer.

So are we really making improvements? I think we are....Billy is trying very hard to help me feel better I have to say, and I on the other hand....just have a deeper burden and guilty feeling cuz I find it harder each time to pull myself out of my own little depression cuz of repetitive issues. I often times wonder if I am just consistently fighting with myself cuz I am a fighter to start with? but then I also wonder if people would ever notice that great fighters do get tired and want to give up at some point.....when a lot of fights at the end proves that nothing can be changed....but then again....who can foresee the future? right? That is exactly why many times I hate the unforeseeable future. You get afraid that you just have to get into endless fights cuz you never learn from the previous ones....

Yes I do worry too much. Rome is not built in one day.....maybe over the years I developed all the worrisome traits by fighting through my accomplishments in school and work. At the end you wonder if all those fights were worth it cuz the current life now has no connections with what you tried to accomplish. You lose your intension to stay in more battles cuz you don't know what you are fighting for....I guess it's just a lot of fear....but then in love there should be no fear....what a difficult lesson for me to learn cuz I am very confused about the LOVE issue...

Having said all those depressive points....I DO have a good husband really. It's not like I don't know about it either....it's just hard for me to adjust yet to another man in life who is so diff. from the family background I had. I feel sorry that he had to make so much adjustments just so I don't close up. I do know he is improving every time even though it may be a speed of turtle...His good temper is probably unbeatable compare to other guys....and it's really not fair to compare him to others anyway...

I just don't know how I get so tired of things so soon nowadays. For the 1st time in life I really wonder if finishing life earlier would be much easier...I guess that is the price to pay when you grow older...you start to realize you can't change the world so may as well leave the world earlier.....for sure I can't be a hero much with my thoughts like this...maybe it's just the weather being rainy for the whole week so far....Fight on? such a hard assignment in life...