I wonder why people just find all kinds of excuses for their own decisions/actions...

I was reading Billy's blog today and it kinda got me into some deep thinking without me really wanting to do it (after all my dreams and nightmares my brain just kinda feels exhausted). He was talking about how Issac and Rebbecca got married, and used that as reference to our marriage...(which I am not sure if I fully appreciate....) Why am I having problems with this? well...here is the explanation....

1st of all....I don't like the name Rebbecca....ok...I know that is a lame reason, and I can't help it. Let me give you a better reason now....I also don't like Issac's personality. I guess I don't like his personality because he doesn't really have a personality. You can call that obedience if you want, but I call it not able to take his own responsibilities in life. He was also lame in a way that he was not able to protect his own wife and had to lie about who she was cuz he was afraid of his own safety. Guys who cannot decide what they want or protect their families really get on my nerves I tell you.

It almost feels like Issac has his whole life planned by other people. 1st he was not able to even pick his own wife, and then later his wife was able to trick him into blessing their 2nd son. I know God is supposed to have plans for us, but does it sound right to always make "God" be the excuse for decisions we make and actions we take? What the heck is the point of God giving us free will really? (I know this free will and God's will thing would always be a paradox....but it just annoys me greatly when people just dump everything on God...)

Compared to Issac I think I can even say I like Jacob's personality more. He was trying to be sneaky, trying to grab on to things (including God's blessings), but at least you know what he did and he is more human like thus makes it easier for us to learn from. He went through tough times and yet still grabbed on to God, and I personally think that is something to admire. Issac...oh well...I don't think I have to go on saying anything about him.

So my dislike of Issac leads into more issues here. Billy's right that nobody wants to be any body's rebound....especially when the supposed "rebound" person dislikes the previous bf/gf a lot. I still remember when Billy 1st told me about how he was introduced to his previous gf....I was thinking....hum....if you do indeed go out with her later then that would show me what your taste is. (and I was not interested in him thus I was very amused by the idea and progress + very eager to see how everything would go for them.)

Very soon after Billy told me about his ex, almost everyone who knows her was talking about their relationship. The news probably spread out way before Billy was able to notice it. I was of course smart enough to stay as far as possible on this case cuz I think the news traveled globally right away. (I feel no need to get my butt kicked by someone who I disliked to start with...)I was also amused how Billy came to my uncle's wedding not knowing he was known to be the official boyfriend already by the time.

With all the gossips going on (and my network of people made it super easy for me to hear everything without wanting to), my dislike of that particular person, and Billy's close interaction with SOP.....you can just imagine how GREAT I felt when I got his e-mail proposing for us to give it a try with a relationship. Right....I was thinking....given enough information on your previous taste....am I supposed to feel good that you are pursuing me?

Interesting enough....Billy was even wondering if I liked him a lot that is why I said yes. Talking about being a rebound....I guess some people may not be aware when they are being rebounds. I guess what sucks even more is when the person trying to suggest for a relationship was not even sure what he wanted to do. To be honest, I still don't know if he really liked me at all or he just felt it was the right thing to do at the right time...( since he thought that was the only way to save me out of my visa misery and I seemed to be available at that point.)

I think the whole world (or people close enough in my world anyway) probably knows how I hate it when a guy trying to go after me cannot make me feel special and unique enough. I am not sure if my dear hubby knew or know about it even by now. I always feel it would make no difference to him even if he just picked someone form the street and things just "happen" to work out.... and that of course bothers me a great deal being competitive and insecure as I am. I never had to doubt if I was special enough for someone and now I am trapped in this feeling for the longest time.

So you see the issue is....I don't know if I was just spoiled by my previous guys always treating me like a queen....or it's just that I wasn't all that special to Billy anyway cuz the whole thing just came from God....and since everything kinda worked with his confirmations, he is safe feeling this is a good thing. It's just like I don't know if people should work so hard on the so called "commitment" instead of really feel loved and thus triggered to love the other person more. Should it really all be such a hard work? or maybe there is just something wrong with it?

Why should it even be work at all when "love" is supposed to conquer everything? I thought feelings are supposed to be nature? Are we trying to make everything just seem so technical nowadays? This morning I was reading how God wants us to think as well before we decide on things. I don't know how all these can work together if people can't really shout loudly "I did this because I freaking wanted to". Ah....everything so spiritual and fake nowadays....drives me nuts....I cracked up when Cindy wrote "I hope my e-mail does not annoy you. Did you read bible and pray today?". Is it even appropriate to mention that kinda thing hoping that would interfere other's decisions? Are we humans using those kinda "spiritual" excuses to really get what we want and cover up what we cannot take and bear?

I have been wondering about the issue of sex as well recently. Is it something that both people involved should enjoy? or is it just something that is done because it's a duty? a duty to make a kid so everyone would be happy about it? a duty to keep the other half happy? or a duty to make it easier for the other person to sleep like it's in my case? Why do people do things when they don't really "feel" like doing it? Why do people always need to find all sorts of excuses for actions they take? Is it because not taking up responsibilities of our own actions truly is a easier way out of things?

Hey there are things in life I don't like....and I don't mind showing you "I" am the person not liking the situations. If God knows everything that is in our heart, then I don't see a point not taking up responsibilities for our decisions.